Code Red

The funny thing about life is that just when everything finally feels safe and comfortable it all changes. Something kicks everything back out of wack, whether it be a pebble or a boulder. I feel like pebbles have been being nudged for weeks. Things were just going entirely too well. I felt the shift and chose to ignore the possibility of something happening because, as everyone in my life tells me, I worry too much. So I ignored the worry and the feeling that something was going to go wrong... and as soon as I got use to the feeling of "aahhhh, this is nice".... shit hits the fan.

I dare not go into specifically what happened, as it is still too new and I am still entirely too livid. However, I am left with this sour, sinking feeling in my gut that is intense and impossible to ignore. I have never felt this strange kind of numb awareness before and that frightens me to no end. This is the first time in a very, very long time that I have felt such a rush of so many (negative) emotions and I have no idea what to do with them all. I am confused and livid and sad and hurt and embarrassed and disgusted and... and all of it is so strong and so heavy that it is all just blending together into a single stinging type of numbness that I can't ignore. Like when a waking limb is waking up... pins and needles. Everywhere.

I feel like rose colored glasses have been violently ripped off my face and the new light I'm seeing is overwhelming and blinding. I can't get out of my head and I can't stop reflecting.

I thought saying all those things, being that honest, and laying it out as I did would lift the weight off of me. I am so goddamn tired of carrying around weight. Mine and everyone elses. I am never going to be able to live the life I want to live or be the person I want to be with all of these things (life, work, family obligations, etc) crushing me. I thought when I got this apartment that it would help. That maybe it would even be the solution. In a way, it was. My relationship with my family has improved substantially. Everything else, though? I just don't know anymore.

I don't know how or even if I can get out from under this. This might be too big. This might be a game changer.