Code Red

The funny thing about life is that just when everything finally feels safe and comfortable it all changes. Something kicks everything back out of wack, whether it be a pebble or a boulder. I feel like pebbles have been being nudged for weeks. Things were just going entirely too well. I felt the shift and chose to ignore the possibility of something happening because, as everyone in my life tells me, I worry too much. So I ignored the worry and the feeling that something was going to go wrong... and as soon as I got use to the feeling of "aahhhh, this is nice".... shit hits the fan.

I dare not go into specifically what happened, as it is still too new and I am still entirely too livid. However, I am left with this sour, sinking feeling in my gut that is intense and impossible to ignore. I have never felt this strange kind of numb awareness before and that frightens me to no end. This is the first time in a very, very long time that I have felt such a rush of so many (negative) emotions and I have no idea what to do with them all. I am confused and livid and sad and hurt and embarrassed and disgusted and... and all of it is so strong and so heavy that it is all just blending together into a single stinging type of numbness that I can't ignore. Like when a waking limb is waking up... pins and needles. Everywhere.

I feel like rose colored glasses have been violently ripped off my face and the new light I'm seeing is overwhelming and blinding. I can't get out of my head and I can't stop reflecting.

I thought saying all those things, being that honest, and laying it out as I did would lift the weight off of me. I am so goddamn tired of carrying around weight. Mine and everyone elses. I am never going to be able to live the life I want to live or be the person I want to be with all of these things (life, work, family obligations, etc) crushing me. I thought when I got this apartment that it would help. That maybe it would even be the solution. In a way, it was. My relationship with my family has improved substantially. Everything else, though? I just don't know anymore.

I don't know how or even if I can get out from under this. This might be too big. This might be a game changer.

Snuggle bug

Even with her face buried, Layla's snoring is so loud. It's making my leg vibrate, Haha. I love my pup.

Heavy.

There are few things in this life as wonderful as being in your pj's and snuggled up to your two snoozing pups and boy. I love nights like these.

Christmas break is starting to wear me down. I've passed the point of needed relaxation and crossed over into the territory of feeling like a lazy good for nothing slob. Most of the cleaning, all of the laundry, most of the errands... it's all done. I can only do so much activity with my leg still healing, and that's getting rather annoying. Either way, I really need to find something to do. I'm going to spend a few days doing stuff for work, grading and planning. I don't go back until Tuesday and the kids come back Weds, so that gives me more than enough time.

I'm starting to get really excited again about our house hunt. After having an old fashioned heart-to-heart with the boy a few nights ago I've started to see this hunt in a new light. It's not about finding A house. It's about finding THE house. We have our eyes on one right now and, fingers crossed, when we get in and have a look everything will be on point. It's a scary, frustration process, but I'm really trying to have fun with it. I just keep thinking about our lease being up at the end of March and all the delays that can come along with buying a house... and then I think about us having to move in with parents or something... and it sends chills down my spine. I realize it could be way worse and I mean no offense to his or my parents, but no way am I going to let that happen. No way.

The leg is doing okay. It's super soar and uncomfortable tonight. They warn you when you get this done that there is a tiny, tiny risk of blood clots. So, of course when I saw my Dad tonight he ask me if I knew how Heavy D died and if I wanted that to happen to me. I explained that Heavy D was on a 15 hour plane ride or something... and he was HEAVY, as in huge, and not in the best health... and had the onset of heart disease. Dad just looked at me and was like "remember to do your walking. You don't want to end up like Heavy D.". Sure thing, Daddy-o. The doctor said everything looked fine and was going according to plan, so I'm not too worried. I'm just ready to be totally mobile and comfortable again. And as soon as that happens I have to turn around and get the injections to finish killing the veins done, of course. There are three round of injections. After each one I will be dealing with the compression stocking and all this nonsense for a week... then a few days of comfort then BAM injection time again. Rinse and repeat. After it's all said and done, time to move onto the right leg. What a process, I tell ya. Sad thing is, this obliterates my current varicose veins but is in no way preventative. There will be more to come, most likely when I get pregnant... and I get to go through all of this all over again. Oh boy!

Enough about that, I'm ready for my regular tv programming to pick back up. I miss Glee and New Girl on Tuesday nights. And Project Runway!

I guess that's all for now. I should really get up and move around... don't want to end up like Heavy D, do I...

Ouch

Ventured out into the world today for the first time since my procedure. I went to the doctor and they said everything is going according to plan. Then I got my nails done and raped old navy's sales. Everything I got was at least 75% off. I simply love went the amount you have saved is nearly identical to the price you pay. Amazing.

Ran some other errands and moaning home, sore as all get out. Got a headache to boot.

Either way, I'm going to go rest. My laptop has a virus and is in the process of "healing", so more elaborate postings soon.

Co

Merry Christmas

Just a quick note to spread some season's greetings and try out this new app... So far, so good. Real post tomorrow!

Magic Legs

Yesterday I had a procedure/surgery done on my left leg to collapse/obliterate my varicose veins. I got there at 945 and was out by noon. It took much longer to numb my leg than to actually kill the vein (with lasers, haha). Dr. Featherston and Matt, the vein tech, were great. I'm feeling really sore and want nothing more than to peel these compression sock (thigh high) off. 24 more hours until that can happen, though. After a series of injections that I will get in Jan and Feb my left leg will be like new. It is going to be fantastic to wear shorts and skirts this spring and summer without being embarrassed by my veins.

The right leg will be more complicated. I'm nervous because if the procedure for the right leg isn't approved by the new year then I am going to have to go through the WHOLE insurance approval process again. That is 3 ultrasounds, various prescriptions, other multiple visits to the doctor... so on and so forth. It's a major headache and a huge inconvenience. It's looking like that's what's going to happen, though. Yup. Fantastic.

Now it's all about recovery and getting the left leg totally tended to.

I'm just glad that the ball is finally rolling.

Welcome

I've finally decided to get my blog back on.

This blog is exactly what it says it is- random. I plan on purging all kidns of daily frustrations, thoughts, annoyances, celebrations and tons of other cool things here. Recipe sharing, pictures of awesome people and things, and updates on life as I know it.

Nothing spectacular, but perhaps it will help keep me level out in this big, bad world.

Let's get this show on the road...